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find yourself in a compromising situation, instead of becoming
defensive and blaming or attacking someone else, try making
fun of your own self-importance, impatience, need to be right,
or tendency to control.
7. Have a good cry. Stress chemicals are released through emo-
tional tears.
8. Find a spiritual outlet. Medical research has repeatedly shown
that individuals who regularly attend a religious service have
less stress-related illness, such as heart attacks and high blood
pressure.
Let It Go
Another measure of having a healthy relationship with anger is the
ability to let go of anger once it has served its purpose. Once you ve
recognized the problem and communicated your feelings and needs, it
is time to let it go. Unfortunately, many of us have a difficult time let-
ting go of our anger once it is activated. It s almost as if we want to
punish the other person for causing us to become angry in the first
place instead of recognizing our choice in becoming angry. This is
especially true of those who view anger as a negative emotion and
those who don t like losing control. But once the problem has been
addressed and solved it is time to move on, not to continue to wallow
in your anger.
Whether your anger style is aggressive, passive, or eruptive, by
following the steps listed previously you can develop a healthy way of
coping and expressing your anger that will help prevent you from
either becoming abusive or allowing others to abuse you.
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chapter 8
Coping with Fear
Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Chinese proverb
Fear plays a significant role in both creating the cycle of abuse and in
perpetuating it. The emotion of fear is a pivotal motivator for both
abusers and victims. Those who need to control others do so because
they feel so out of control. They do it because they are afraid. Those
who need to have power over others do so out of fear of someone hav-
ing power over them. And those who put up with abusive behavior do
so out of fear of more extreme violence, the fear of abandonment, the
fear of being alone, or sometimes, the fear of their own anger.
How Trauma Creates Fear
According to the Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry, the common
denominator of psychological trauma is a feeling of intense fear,
helplessness, loss of control, and threat of annihilation. Survivors of
childhood abuse consistently report an overwhelming sense of help-
lessness. In an abusive family environment, children are rendered
helpless by tyrannical parental power and rules that are erratic, incon-
sistent, or patently unfair. Survivors frequently report that what fright-
ened them the most was the unpredictable nature of the violence.
Unable to find any way to avert the abuse, they learn to adopt a posi-
tion of complete surrender.
Chronic childhood abuse creates a climate of pervasive terror for
the child. Many survivors describe a characteristic pattern of totalitar-
ian control, enforced by means of violence or even death threats,
inconsistent enforcement of petty rules, intermittent rewards, and
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Coping with Fear 139
elimination of all outside or competing relationships through isola-
tion, secrecy, and betrayal.
The constant fear of death is reported by many survivors. Some-
times the child is silenced by violence or by a direct threat of murder.
The man who molested me at nine threatened to kill me if I told any-
one and I believed him since I knew he had already been in a mental
hospital. More often survivors report threats that resistance or disclo-
sure will result in the death of someone else in the family. Violence or
murder threats may also be directed against pets; many survivors
report being forced to witness the sadistic abuse of animals.
How We React to Being Terrorized
Children in an abusive environment become what is commonly
referred to by professionals in the field as hypervigilant, meaning that
they develop extraordinary abilities to notice any warning signs of an
impending attack. They learn to recognize subtle changes in the facial
expression, voice and body language as signals of anger, sexual
arousal, intoxication, or dissociation.
When abused children note signs of danger, they attempt to pro-
tect themselves either by avoiding or by placating the abuser. Even
though they are in a constant state of hyperarousal, they must also be
quiet and immobile. The result is the peculiar, seething state of frozen
watchfulness noted in abused children.
When avoidance fails, children attempt to appease their abusers
through obedience. The arbitrary enforcement of rules, combined with
the constant fear of serious harm or death, produces a paradoxical
result. On the one hand, it convinces children of their utter helpless-
ness and the futility of resistance. Many develop the belief that their
abusers have absolute or even supernatural powers, can read their
thoughts, can control their lives entirely. On the other hand, it moti-
vates children to prove their loyalty and compliance. They double and
redouble their efforts to gain control of the situation in the only way
that seems possible by trying to be good. It is easy to see how this
learned helplessness and need to please can translate into a victim pat-
tern in adulthood. We see the very same behaviors in battered women.
Another commonality between child abuse and domestic violence
is the issue of isolation. Isolation is often enforced by abusive parents
in order to preserve secrecy and control over other family members.
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140 Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Children are often forbidden to participate in ordinary peer activities,
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